For most people, life is a daily routine of making a living, raising a family, solving small problems, paying bills, taking care of physical needs and being productive. Life is generally positive, active and rewarding. But, sometimes, stresses and strains change attitudes, behaviors and coping ability. You may not even notice the change – but those around you certainly will. Although most people believe that good emotional health is just as important as good physical health, a recent Mental Health survey found that many people don’t know when they might need assistance in maintaining good emotional or mental health. What are the warning signs? What do you need to do to maintain and improve your emotional health?

When You Should Seek Help

In most cases, when emotional burdens become overwhelming, help is available. Be aware of the feelings and behaviors that suggest you need help.

If you frequently or continually experience extreme sadness, depression or anxiety

If you have frequent or constant feelings of hopelessness and extreme pessimism

If you are continually feeling alone and helpless

If you cry easily and often for no apparent reason

If you can’t sleep – or sleep too much

Get help immediately if you have thoughts of death or suicide

Maintaining Good Mental Health

There is no limit to what you can do to maintain your own mental health. This list gives you a few ideas and will help you find many activities and directions to take:

Good communication helps – maintain good relationships with those around you

Balance is important – work, play, relaxation, healthy eating and exercise

Learn to cope with stress, solve problems and get enough rest

Find time to do things you enjoy – you deserve it

“Healthy body, Healthy mind” is not just a saying, it appears to be very true

Set priorities in your life – do the important things first and realize that you can only do so much

Get tasks done on time – procrastination causes stress and anxiety

Share your feelings with others and listen to what others have to say

Always get professional help when you know you need it!

Bottom Line

Your emotional health is directly related to your behaviors, attitude and decisions you make every day.

Be proactive – do something positive

Value yourself and others

When you need help, talk to your family, friends, spiritual leader, doctor, professional counselor, or join a support group. Many people around you will be willing to help, but the most important person on your emotional health team is YOU!

Wishing you good mental health

Brenda Herzog BSW, B.Psych

Afraid of the past? Now that seems like a silly concept, doesn’t it? How can one be afraid of the past when it has already happened?

Yet when one looks closely at the fears we have for the future, we see they are often repetitions of old fears, or of things that have happened to us or to others in the past.

What is it you fear? Do you fear losing the one you love? Do you fear losing your job, your security?

Look back at your past and see...did you not once “lose” someone or something you loved? Did you not feel that your security was “taken” from you? Consequently, the fears that you hold for the future are a deep rooted trauma that the past will repeat itself.

You may even be fearing something that happened to someone else. That also is in the past, even if it is not directly your own.

We have all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies. As a matter of fact we live them every day and every moment of our lives. We prophesize failure, then we manifest it in some form, and the first words out of our mouth are “I knew this would happen”. We think we might get lost on the way to a place we have never been, so of course we do, and we comment “I ALWAYS get lost when I go to new places”. We are creating repeat performances of our past and fulfilling our “worst” expectations.

Conversely, when we sincerely expect to succeed, we do. Some people say that we get what we ask for. I would say rather that we get what we expect, what we are willing to receive, and what we think we deserve.

We can stop expecting the worst. Our lives need not be a series of reruns. Each day can be a brand new show. You may have gone to bed feeling tired, but after a good night’s sleep, you wake up feeling refreshed.

In the same way, even though your past may have had “more than your share” of trials and tribulations, you can let that go! So what if you felt your mother didn’t love you! So what if a previous lover left you! So what if you failed in the past! It is all in the past!

Today is a new day, and it can be a completely new start, if we treat it that way. Don’t goad yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy of misery.

Arise each day with the attitude that this is a brand new day, a brand new life. It is more than turning a new page—it can be a complete new book. Perhaps in an earlier novel of your life, you were always left with a broken heart.

Write a new scenario for yourself. In this story, you are the self-confident, attractive, loving, and lovable heroine (or hero). You always get what you choose. You choose success, wonderful loving relationships, loving friends, a fulfilling job or career, etc.

You can change your script by changing your thoughts and becoming the person you want to be. Become the kind of person you would like around you. If you have been crying out for love, be more loving. Never mind the meticulous dissection of others’ relationship with you to see if by any chance, they are acting out one of your fears (rejecting you, abandoning you, lying to you, etc.).

Change your expectations, your thoughts. Stop expecting disappointments and let-downs at every corner. Start living each day joyously, like a child that always expects wondrous surprises, and finds them in little things like ant hills and blades of grass, or a smile and a kind word.

Be thankful for the good in your life. What you focus on gains importance and expands. So focus on a joyful expression of life. Be thankful for things we sometimes take for granted, like flowers, butterflies, sunshine, rain, a smiling face on the street, a roof over your head, food to eat, etc.

Let the face that smiles be yours because the world is a mirror. When you smile and put love in your heart, you see and feel it reflected all around you.

Don’t expect the world to change first. Start with yourself. Focus on the beauty in your life, however small you may feel it is.

Put a smile in your heart, however shaky that smile may be. Don’t be afraid of the past or of the future. Become a child again expecting that everyone that comes to you is bringing a gift.

Look for the beauty that is to be found in everyone and everything. That is the gift waiting for you. “Seek and ye shall find.”

Make sure you are seeking what you really desire. It is there waiting for you.

It’s up to you—the present is yours to discover.

Wishing You Good Mental Health

Brenda Herzog BSW,B.Psych

Many of us are pretty tough on ourselves. We set ourselves standards that would be difficult for a saint to live up to! And each time our performance fails to reach these high standards we mentally criticize ourselves with harsh, aggressive self-talk.

Living by their rules

What is often occurring here is that we are living according to other's rules: the standards acquired from our parents, teachers, brothers or sisters, etc. We have never gotten round to updating our standards to suit our adult lifestyle.

Get it right!!

So, for example, the childhood lesson to “get it right every time” that's a pretty tough standard to try to live up to in adult life. As is the lesson: “if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing right”

Trying to live up to these lessons or beliefs in adult life is going to ensure we don't try new things very often because to do so will guarantee that we fall short of our learned perfectionist tendency.

Don't upset people!

Other out-dated beliefs that are often carried over from childhood include: “Don't upset people” or “A tidy house is the sign of a good parent” or “You must win every time”.

We see the irrationality of our old beliefs

When they are brought out into the light of day we can usually see how irrational these old legacy beliefs can be. But just doing that once or twice does not defuse them.

You need a more consistent program - where you are observing them in action and reminding yourself on a daily basis of how silly they are. Remember that beliefs work at an emotional level. To defuse them by yourself you need to do so very frequently - taking just one silly belief at a time and dealing with it until it fades in importance.

How out-dated beliefs provoke self criticism

Unless I have challenged them, my learned childhood beliefs will rule me. And every time I transgress one of them, I undermine my self esteem. I fall short of the impossibly high inherited standards and, to try and get myself to meet these standards, I criticize myself - after all, that's how my parents or teachers tried to get me to meet them.

Continual self criticism with no apparent improvement when I compare myself with the (impossible and unrealistic) standards results in an on-going angry self talk: you're just useless! I can never do anything right! You stupid etc. etc.

This builds, accumulates and ferments. And soon it becomes directed outwards, too. I am so annoyed with myself that I 'take it out' on others and respond to their failings and misdemeanors with unnecessary fury.

Take one out-dated belief or negative thought at a time, think about how it does not fit with the present and let it go. Watch how your life will change for the better.

Wishing You Good Mental Health

Brenda Herzog BSW,B.Psych.

For those of us in search of who we are, the right words and
actions are extremely important. They must accurately represent
what we believe to be true. For example, I believe that
everything that happens to us is perfect for our learning. If
people who write are suffering, my heart can break in response to
their pain but at the same time, I know there’s divine grace in
what’s happening. Pain is a powerful force for awakening ... it
can bring great gifts.

Whatever the case, it is not my place to judge whether something
is good or bad. If I sympathize with their situations, it
suggests that their experiences are bad or unfair, and that is
not the case. I have learned to empathize instead.  It’s also not my place to give advice ... for two reasons. First, I should not give advice unless they have specifically asked for it. Second, my truth is not their truth. And their truth is what matters here.

It’s not going to help someone in distress if I steal the focus
of the interaction away from them by sharing how my experiences
relate with theirs. "I know just how you feel. Here’s what
happened to me..."

When we understand how soul works through us, we see that our aim
in supporting someone is not to get rid of their pain and
suffering. Instead, we want to assist them to understand what the
pain is trying to teach them -- to find meaning in their
distress.

So how do we support others in suffering? Here are some
perspectives that may help:

- Simply BE with them.

- Be fully present to them - be open, attentive and aware with
body, mind and soul.

- Do not judge, sympathize or monopolize the conversation.

- Do not offer advice unless they specifically ask for it. Even
then, it’s best to ask them questions that will lead them to
their own answers.

- Be present to our own experience and authentic in our feelings.
This way, we live our own truth and this creates the space for
the other person to live theirs.

- Through questions, help them explore their underlying fears,
payoffs, choices, aspirations and meaning. Support them in
seeing new perspectives.

Wishing You Good Mental Health

Brenda Herzog BSW,B.Psych

Sometimes when things don’t go the way I want, rather than sitting back and letting things go their own way, I start pushing and shoving and trying to make things happen the way I want... Can you relate to this one? Whether it’s something at work, or at home, or wherever, we start getting forceful and insisting on things going a certain way (our way)... even when it is obvious (at least to others) that things are not going that way at all.

For example, you may be working on a project and everything, and I mean everything, seems to be going wrong... So what is our 'normal' tendency? We start getting tenacious and bull-headed and push and shove to try to make it go the way we want. We keep pushing, and trying to make it happen, to make it go 'right'... which is usually a futile experiment, somewhat like trying to make the river flow upstream.

What is it in our make-up that induces us to behave that way? We want to have our own way... we want to be right... we want to feel like we are in charge and that things are going exactly the way we want them to... Yet, what is the reality behind this attitude? Is our motivation due to insecurity? Is it a feeling that if we don’t hang on tightly to control, that everything will fall apart? Is it a fear that things may not work out in our favor if we don’t try to control the outcome?

Basically, the cause of this attitude seems to stem from a lack of trust. We don’t trust that someone (or something) else may know what is best for us... We don’t trust that there is an innate intelligence in everything and everyone, and that if we simply let go, things will work out in exactly the right order.

Now, I am not advocating sitting back and doing nothing at all because 'the Universe will handle it'. What I am talking about is active let-go... Seems like an oxymoron, maybe, maybe not.

Years ago, I participated in a Ropes course. The goal of this weekend workshop was to break through fears and to learn to trust ourselves and others. I remember the first exercise was to close your eyes and let yourself fall backwards; trusting that the people lined up next to you would catch you. These people were "strangers" who were also participating in the workshop. It wasn't always easy to close your eyes and trust that someone would be there to catch you as you fell... That is active let-go... You close your eyes, you trust, and you fall and let yourself go.

Another part of the workshop involved a high-wire act... you know, like in the circus where you walk across a wire and then jump off to the trapeze bar hanging in the distance. I remember standing, it seemed for hours, up on that wire looking at that trapeze bar and arguing with the voices in my head... You know the ones: "I can't do it" "Yes, I can" "I'm scared" "It's safe" "What if I don't make it" "What if I fail"... It seemed that my feet were cemented to the wire on which I stood (way up in the air) making it impossible for me to let go and jump towards the trapeze bar.

Now the crazy thing about this whole process is that I was securely harnessed to a "safety rope"... So even if I missed the trapeze bar, I would not fall to the ground. Yet my mind was petrified at the thought of letting go, not willing to trust myself to make the jump on target, and not willing to trust the safety-rope tied to my waist. The active-let-go came when I finally clenched my teeth and jumped...

In "real life" we may not see our safety-rope, yet it is always there, always ready to catch us if we fall. And sometimes we think we're falling (failing), yet we're actually just changing location. Perhaps we are in an unhappy (failed) marriage, and the decision to divorce is actually the passport into a happier, healthier existence. Perhaps we are unhappy at our job, and we don't get the promotion we wanted, or we get fired, and the safety-rope is that there is a much better job waiting for us around the corner.

When we find ourselves going against the current, or when we find that everything is going wrong in our life, we need to stop and ask ourselves what is really going on. Are we standing on the high wire, unwilling to trust and let go. Is the fear of the future so captivating that we are unwilling to trust that something better is always waiting around the corner, if we will only take the first step. We may, at first, be headed in the wrong direction but if we keep trying we will straighten ourselves out" by facing the challenges head on...

We need to pay attention to the signals in our life. They are constantly there... When something is a struggle, there is a message there... Perhaps we need to handle the situation differently, perhaps we're at the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time... Perhaps we need to change direction... A struggle or any challenge always comes with a gift -- a message, a lesson, something for us to learn.

Letting go means trusting that the process of life is always in balance and that whatever the outcome, it will be for the best. Active let-go, means following one’s inner wisdom (or intuition) and doing what feels right, while trusting that whatever action we take will bring us to a solution... whatever that may be.

Wishing You Good Mental Health

Brenda Herzog BSW, B.PSYCH

LOOKING IN MY EYES

I stood today, in front of the mirror,

wanting to look, what was there to fear.

So I raised my head and opened my eyes,

knowing this was a moment, not to trivialize.

At first unable, to go beyond the surface,

brown eyes stared back, with a spark of coyness.

They dared me to wander, to go deeper within,

so with a lung filling breath, my journey would begin.

Staring back at me were the eyes of experience,

a lifetime of memories, a full spectrum of variance.

My vision rested, as my mind took charge,

all encompassing thoughts, the vastness so large.

From the eyes of innocence, to the wisdom of years,

Every adventure in between, cherished now without fears.

The awareness of all that life has dealt,

the feelings were real, and so intensely felt.

I honor the person, that has come to be,

with the realization, that I honestly like me!

I am who I am, I can justly confide,

These words now written, with a pure sense of pride.

Copyright Brenda Herzog 2007

PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES

If my words were tears I would cry for the names of the loved ones I’ve lost.

Some people think that as long as they don’t mention my Mom and Dad, everything is fine. I remember, whether you mention them or not. I yearn for the chance just to talk about them. Even if it makes me cry, the tears break free from that place hidden in my soul. Help me heal, let my tears flow, releasing fractions of my pain. What can you do, you ask?

Please Say Their Names!

The time for concern is over, no longer am I asked how am I doing. Never are the names of my parents mentioned. A curtain descends, the moments have passed, lives slip from frequent recall. For others the drama is over, but for me the play will never end. The effects are timeless, the tears are in my words.

What can be said, you ask?

Please say their Names!

I ache while holding their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with me, but what they are in spirit stirs deep inside. Please understand that I cannot forget, I would not if I could. I do not ask you to walk this road, its ascent is steep and the burden heavy, I walk it not by choice. I would rather be with my loved ones in flesh and not in spirit. What do you need, you ask?

Please say their Names!

I will see them again, of that much I am sure. Their spirits appear in sunrises and sunsets. For me they are real, my tears are my proof. They are my Mom and Dad, I will continue to love them as I always did. How can I help, you ask?

Please Say Their Names, for they are alive in my heart!

copyright Brenda Herzog 2008

My Inner Child: Do I have one?

     It should be clear that we never grow up emotionally. Our feelings never get to fully mature. The anger or sadness we experience today, is the same as when we were five years old. The ways we get to express our feelings can be considered mature or immature, but the feelings, themselves are timeless.

     A good way to think about our inner child is as the guardian of our emotional warehouse.  He or she “rules over” our emotions and needs until they are satisfied or at least acknowledged. When the inner child is taken care of, he or she allows the adult side of our self to “guard” the pain, anger, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, and all the negative feelings we have felt in our lives. All the feelings that caused fears and pain are stored in our inner child.

     We are certain our inner child is alive when we “over react” to a particular stimulus. It occurs when we “get out of control” and feel helpless. Whenever our needs control our behaviors, the inner child is demanding to be taken care of. Every time we feel helpless, hopeless, or overwhelmed, and the feelings don’t match the reality of the situation, our inner child is demanding the attention it needs.

      Sometimes, people ask if they have an inner child. Sure they do, everyone has an inner child. It is part of every person and each one’s personality. Most everyone begins to perceive the world during childhood. The child within us remembers every painful or unfair situation and all the bad experiences lived through during those years. The inner child learns that what worked in the short-term was to yell and scream, or become passive, withdrawn, and helpless, hoping someone would help. The unhealthy inner child believes he or she has no control over his or her feelings or what will happen. On the other hand, the healthy inner child recognizes how to trust when his or her needs will be satisfied and learns to delay gratification until then. We also should recognize that most of us have an unhealthy inner child.

     Most of us are aware that life includes a series of roles, but underestimate the inner child in the process. Some find that we are so involved in our professional. parental, husband/wife/partner, and adult roles, that we tend to like or get used to the grown-up side of our self and deny or ignore our child side. Most of us are trained to like our adult side and, as such, suppress our inner child. Often, we don’t recognize that the inner child “controls” our emotions while we try to “control” our logical thoughts. However, emotions still manage to rule over logic.

The inner child is powerful only when not recognized and the pain isn’t  acknowledged. This is the big secret of the inner child.

     We can do many things for our inner child. First, we need to be convinced we have an inner child that must be recognized and respected. Acknowledge he or she is in pain, even if you don’t understand all the pain.

     Remember what it feels like to be a child in pain. Allow your inner child to be angry with you, understanding that you are more than your inner child, and that you are the only one who can take good care of your inner child.

Brenda Herzog, BSW,BPsych